I've been thinking about the possible outcomes of my future, I've been thinking about my close friend and her own life. I'm trying to not be so reclusive all the time. I'm trying to be friendly at work. I feel like if I try to have a more positive outlook about everything then I can only improve, but I'm afraid I might never really change.
Whenever I post something here, it's usually about something tying to me being in this like constant state of blue. I talked to my mother on the phone tonight. I knew she was drunk and she admitted it. She started subtly attacking me like she usually does when she's wasted, and I told her I'd call her this weekend. I cannot count how many times she told me she'd stop. I just don't know how to handle her being drunk. It just bothers me more than anything else in this entire world. It's like alcohol has just practically defined her life, and I think that's what upsets me. I just want her to feel happy. I don't want my inner turmoil to define me. But I'm just a lonely guy, and it's not because I'm not in a relationship. Even in a relationship I'm usually still lonely inside.
I think everything would be so much better if I could just find one person who can see the world the way that I do. Fuck, I hate that word sometimes, "better", ugh, I don't know. I just desire peace within myself and with someone else. I just need one person, but I don't know how that's ever going to happen. I have yet to meet a guy who I can really relate to. I always have a hard time being able to open up and I just want to be completely open. I want to be everything to someone else, so much that they'll never want to leave me for something better, because I am all that he needs. But I just feel so lost in the world, I don't think having someone like that would make me anymore found, but I think two people lost together is much better than one. You can only escape in music for so long, right?
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