My pain is ugly

I feel like I have so much ugly pain

I am more then you've seen

But I have given you a part of me in this journey

I remember the way you used to look at me

The words you wrote about us sent chills

Down my spine and all I wanted to do

In those moments were to cherish you completely

You wrote about my decision and how it affected you

Making you incredibly blissful with me, me yours

And how you adored the word "us", calling you and me "us"

And that we were the infinite ones together and you wanted

To give me a happiness that is hard for most to touch

I remember the way you touched me, every part of me

Making me tremble as I held onto you closely

Your hands running up and down my back

Dancing with me alone

To an acoustic ballad in the home fighting a cold winter night

Your head fell into my chest and I held you in my arms

So enticed by me, our connection with the same hope

I made you passionate again,

A raw, emotional, poetic song I was

And you listened carefully

A blessing in your life I was to you

A blessing in my life you were to me

I broke through walls in you

We are on the sailboat, crashing into glaciers, sinking

When I look at you I don't see you seeing me anymore

Detachment

You're not inspired to write about me anymore

You don't even bother to touch me the way you used to

It isn't love making to you anymore, it's just fucking now

And so I sit, watching quietly

Crossing paths with the way he left

The glaciers keep appearing and I realize

That I can't hold on much longer

That I can't save us from collapsing

I might just jump off and struggle on my own

Swim until my body, my bones, and my heart give out

I don't know how far I'll make it

And whether you'll follow or not

You probably won't

My bones are already weak

And my stomach is twisted in knowing the truth deep down

Before you even know it

But I see so much in you when I stare

Into those ocean-forest radiant eyes,

Searching for eternal sunshine

That I long to give you that but I can't, I'm not him

I see the potential you hold that you don't realize

And you may not realize it until I am gone

Until I am away from you

And sitting alone in a cabin in the woods,

Pouring myself out in a moleskine

Then drinking until I forget about it

But it comes back, always

And I don't know what to say

Because it never comes out right

There isn't a right

Each breath with you I hope

Each stare, each glance with you I hope

Each touch, each caress, each kiss with you I hope

Each experience, each movement, each mistake, each word with you I hope

For you to turn around, and love me like you did

But what was once our moment is over

What was time now gone

It’s made its exit on us

And this is what is left

What we once had together seem so unreachable now

Because you pull away, because I doubt

Although I try, I sincerely do by giving and giving

But see the glaciers ahead

We won't make it through them

We can't break them down

We can't make it across the sea

The word INFINITE would be our definition if we did

Are we really infinite like we once thought so, were we ever to begin with?

Or was it just an idea we had now lost

I howl alone in a dark room in

A house full of strangers

And I can tell that you're getting

Fed up with me as I give, give, give

And so I sit, writing, constantly thinking

What will be left when everything is done,

finished between you and me?

Me left in pieces as you walk through

The Minnesota winter, confident and stronger

Me left in pieces

Dedicating this poem to you

Me left in pieces

And staring out at a moon

Through a window in this place

Trying to block out what stings me,

At least for a little while

What stings is that you're longing for your past

Your past with him, and the people who abandoned you

And not what we are or can be

You're pulling away

And I'm giving out

Nothing is simple

Nothing has really changed

Unanswered as you sit across the room

Not holding me, not noticing hopeful glances like

You used too

All I want is for you to hold me, to look at me

With purpose, notice me, tell me that you love me

We're crashing into the glaciers

Tears and pushing and pushing and pushing

Won't save me

No one can save me

I've seen it this whole time

I've seen it coming all along

But I didn't want to believe it before

I've braced myself for what is about to come

Because I have learned from my repetitious mistakes

In the past but this time I'm taking a stand

I won't let myself down

I won't let me get hurt by someone else again

Hope has killed me

But I know what I have to do to save you

That is to let go

I’m going to say farewell before it gets ugly